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penned by: the seed and german seed.
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copyright October 2004 - all rights reserved.
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What The First Readers Are Saying:
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“It is like all of these thoughts fell out of my head and right onto the pages.”
- the seed.
“This is one of the greatest literary works of the century. I believe it will save a lot of troubled relationships. I know if I had only received this wealth of information sooner, I would still be alive on the inside.”
- Bill (a broken bar regular in Chicago)
“It is a funny thing, sometimes when you take a bunch of words and throw them together in the right order, they seem to form sentences.”
- the seed.
“I read this book cover to cover several times and each and every time I was actually riveted by the sheer passion and intensity. Every time I would rush home and give Harry a little something, something to show how I really feel about him. I knew Seed was gifted when I read his early work and actually I believe I am responsible for a great deal of the success he is receiving now. I made him who he is today.”
- Mrs. Grant (Seed’s grade 5 English teacher)
“Who’s Harry?”
- Tom (Mrs. Grant’s husband)
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“I love pork. I could eat it every meal of the day. Wait, I do eat it every meal of the day. Thank God, that I like it so much.”
- German Seed
“I have read War and Peace. This is nothing like it.”
- Carl (some guy who read War and Peace)
“Fuuuuucckk!!!”
- Mary (Head of Mothers Against the Use of Profanity in America)
“Just because I am your mother, doesn’t give you the right to know my name.”
- Seed’s Mother
“I really enjoyed the way he numbered the pages: 1, 2, 3, 4… I found it to be quite convenient and logical.”
- Mr. Carlyle (Seed’s grade 7 math teacher)
“Hey!!! You cut me off jerk.”
- Dick (an angry motorist)
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“Thank You Seed. You basically made me who I am today. I think my star will be shining brightly, thanks to you.”
-Johnny
“Did you call me an Attention -----?”
- Chastity
“Well it took me a while but I finally was given the time to read it and it is GOOD! An entertaining read with realistic, useful information. My favorite line is: They have their own bars… why can’t they have their own book? You have a winner here and now is time to unleash it on the world whether they can handle it or not.”
- W
“It is a great honor to be accepting this award. I had some stiff competition from such words as fuck, a, and, attention, girl, boy, woman and period, along with thousands of other words that were in the running. As for the words on and in … you came close! At this time I would also like to thank………………..”
- The word “This” (accepting an achievement award)
“I have had a fantastic time reading this book. Some parts were totally hilarious, others made me think, which I feel is the point of the book in the first place. I love the raw energy and passion that Seed exudes in his writing. It is nice to see someone has the balls to tell it how it is. At least from his perspective. I think this Seed fellow is onto something big. I look forward to future works from him.”
- Greg (some guy in Germany, one of the first people to read the book)
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“Hello!!!”
- the seed. (answering the telephone)
“Yes, we accept MasterCard, Visa, American Express, Cash, Money Orders and Certified Cheques. So how many Bobble Heads would you like?”
- Velvet (a clerk at Seed’s Succulent Boutique - a true Hollywood 10)
“Ohh My!!!! Ohh My!!!! Not only does German Seed know how to touch the G spot, but he knows where the H, I, J and K spots are as well. Can I just say he is some sort of Sexual Dynamo!!! And by the way the book is kicking.”
- Angela (past lover of German Seed)
“I really like the paper.”
- Pepe (a blind panhandler)
“I am not lying Marge. I am just writing fiction with my mouth.”
- Homer Simpson
“What a fucking laugh I got from your book. I cannot wait to read more!!!! Awesome job buddy. Finally at 40-something years old, you have found your calling. Great job. I am proud of you!!!”
- Rick Gillis
“I must commend Seed. He has tackled a very tough subject matter and spared the fluff that most books on relationships inflict upon us. He has shared big parts of his life to give the reader an understanding of where a lot of his knowledge comes from. It is very refreshing to see that he never held back on his opinions. He seems to say what everyone else seems to be afraid of saying and he talks from the heart. The book is laced with deep thoughts and yet it is filled with original comedy to keep it light and fresh to read. If you read it with an open heart and an open mind, Seed provides a very powerful positive message. I highly recommend this book to anyone trying to sort out their personal relationships or for those who simply want a good laugh. It is rare but Seed provides us with both. I wish him great success.”
- David (typesetter for a large printing company)
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“As the great philosopher of our time, Yogi Berra, once said: If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else. Deep, very deep. Judging by your book cover and birth certificate, you seem to know where you are going! Love the birth certificate.”
- YT
“Do you realize what you have here? What you have is worth several million dollars and I would like to be part of bringing that to fruition.”
- Wade (discussing the possibilities of representing Seed)
“Welcome to The Burger Barn. Can I take your order?”
- the seed.
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Our First Interview/Reviews:
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Dr. Laurie Betito, CJAD Radio in Montreal, a psychologist and sex therapist and host of the radio show "Passion.”
"I had the pleasure of interviewing Seed and Euro Seed on my radio program and I found these two gentlemen to be absolutely refreshing. They have a no nonsense, down to earth approach to life and relationships. I think we all need to be confronted at some point, just to shake things up a bit and make us behave differently and hopefully in a healthier manner. That's what their book does."
Danielle, A reviewer, November 30, 2004, 4 Stars
Original and Hilarious
Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories is a unique and amusing look at the perils of dating. Seed's blunt, sarcastic style is original and, at times, controversial but provides a new hilarious perspective on dating, relationships and many other things. The Gravy section, alone, will leave you laughing for days! Good job Seed (and German Seed)!
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DEDICATION:
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This book is dedicated to both my late Grandparents who raised me despite some trying conditions. It is also dedicated to my late Great Aunt Priscilla, who without your love and kindness I may have not found the stength to complete this project. You are dearly missed.
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It is also dedicated to all of my friends both new and old who have stood by me all of these years. You have all helped to make the trials and tribulations of life a wicked ride and I look forward to many more years with you on this journey.
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xii
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CHAPTER 1
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Opening Rant
“Promise Yourself:
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all of your friends feel that there is something special in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and let your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements of the future
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble!”
-Christian D. Larson
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page 1
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.
The World is a fucked up place.
At the time that I started writing this (early 2003) the globe was spinning out of control and not necessarily in a positive spiral. We currently have a global population of over six billion people….. Wait, six billion and one thousand more….. Wait, six billion and two thousand more….. I can’t count fast enough. Just think, in the beginning, which is really not all that long ago, we started with two.
Hell, the USA is less than 200 years old and it has a population of over 290 million.
Never has there been a time in the short history of modern mankind where there has been so much uncertainty. We’ve just had maybe one madman threatening world peace and who knows it may actually be several madmen who are in charge of our current destiny.
We’ve had a man who most would call less than the brightest bulb in the pack, just lead the Western world and our only true superpower into war (perhaps World War 3), even though the majority of people are not certain if this was the right thing to do.
Every day that passes, every bombing or ambush in Iraq and every soldier that gets killed in a country that was supposed to be liberated and not occupied, only emphasizes this point. However it appears to be this man’s agenda and what he needed to do to save his administration. Let us all hope and if you are a spiritual person pray that he is doing the right thing.
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page 2
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In a way the world is like NCAA College Football. The USA is sort of like Nebraska and during the regular season they get to play Gopher State and Helen Keller University, with the end result being annihilation. This is all in preparation for one of their only meaningful games of the year: the big moneymaking bowl game at the end of the season.
Now just think about it for a moment – the USA is looking out at the world and comes to the conclusion that, on one hand, Iraq was ran by a maniacal dictator who oppresses and tortures his own citizens. On the other, China is in a similar situation, with the atrocities against its own people being perhaps even greater than that of Iraq. However, if the USA was to challenge China there is a chance they just might lose that game so instead they attack Iraq, which in terms of its military strength does resemble the football prowess of Butthead State and the outcome is quite predictable. The USA quickly annihilates them, sending a message to every other challenger. Let’s just hope their actions and policies don’t lead to a bowl game (vs. North Korea?).
At the present time the world media is controlled by a few people resulting in a situation where you have to ask: Can we really trust the information that we are being fed?
If you turn on the news, it is just one tragedy after another, most of the stories create a scenario where leaving your own home seems like a risky venture. Just think about it. On any particular day you can read about Hurricanes, Snipers, Al Qaeda, Aids, SARS, the West Nile Virus, Ebola, Mad Cow Disease, the Avian Flu and major cities in the Eastern US and Canada being shut down by the blackout of 2003 along with countless other things that are threatening humankind as we know it.
Technology is rapidly going out of control. No one can keep up with the daily advances that are taking place. It was not that long ago when the party line was still in use in rural communities. These advances are causing the gap between the rich and poor to become even greater with the middle class quickly becoming eroded.
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page 3
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Never has there been a time when huge companies are failing overnight with the ramifications to the stock markets being so extreme. Big-time managers, however, though their companies are broke, still keep their villas and “earn” enormous bonuses. The investors are left holding the bag.
Our weather appears to be changing dramatically. We have global warming caused supposedly by the greenhouse effect. There is El Nino, La Nina and whatever other supposed phenomena affecting the Earth’s climate. One must ask if this is naturally caused or controlled by man. Or, is man simply too fucking stupid to see that acre after acre of rainforest is not worth obliterating in order to raise cattle for fast food chains.
Have you noticed that the “flood of the century” seems to come every few years? Hurricanes, typhoons and tornados are commonplace. Droughts, mild winters no big surprise. Have you ever stopped to think why this is so? Interesting things to ponder…
If one is to believe the Mayan calendar, this is all starting to happen for a reason and on December 21, 2012 things will become clear.
There are different theories on what may happen on this day. Standard thought is that the world is starting to go through a transformation of sorts – or one big correction as we start to go into the next cycle in the history and evolution of mankind. The dramatic events that are taking place now are sort of a weeding out of evil. When this above-mentioned date comes along, those of us who adjust or transform (basically get it), will have a chance to move forward into a better, more evolved earth. We are not promoting this belief but just saying that it is definitely food for thought.
On the one hand, you can have a world filled with war, hatred, fear, tragedy, racism and crime. No wonder relationships are struggling and the divorce rate is so high. We are living in a world of “me” time. Everyone seems to have stopped thinking of others and just looks at what is best for themselves.
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page 4
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Fuck, how many different types of rage have been diagnosed over the last few years – the world needs really to slow down. Life is moving too fast. Everything is not that important. We need to get back to a day where we say “Hi” to our neighbors instead of fearing them. We are all in the same ball game together.
On the other hand, it's not all bad: I'm happy, in fact, I'm individually optimistic, yet, globally pessimistic.
Can we change the course of things to come?
I don't know.
We've messed it up pretty bad.
Just think about it for a moment. The family unit is in a state of crisis; the institution of marriage may be failing.
I suggest in the future for those of you walking down the aisle could you please uncross your fingers and take your tongue out of your cheek. You're only screwing up your kids and, in turn, our world.
If everyone actually meant, "till death do us part," the divorce rate may only be 20 - 25 per cent resulting in:
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- At least a 50 per cent reduction in unwanted children, in turn resulting in:
- A smaller global population, in turn resulting in:
- Less consumption, in turn resulting in: HOPE!
Wait a second, if that was the equation. I might not exist.
We have certainly left one messed up world for the next generation to try to fix. It's too bad that most of them come from broken homes. How are they going to fix the world, when they can't even fix themselves?
How do we implement these changes?
First off, we can turn off the news and start looking at things positively. As hard as it may be, we can all try to be aware of our emotions and no matter how hard it is, only be positive about things. We are all in a way being controlled or at least influenced by the media. So, shut off the TV for a minute and think. A shuttle tragedy, though a horrific event, does not warrant a lot of discussion by the average person, unless you have family members involved or you work at NASA. It can only create more despair, fear and negativity in the average man. A 100-car pileup on the Interstate does not need to be discussed, though tragic it is not positive, it does not warrant much time unless you are directly affected or on the safety committees that help to design highways. We know this sounds cold and our hearts go out to those who have lost loved ones, but the world is challenging enough just caring and looking out for those who are in our lives. If we are also being filled with the pain of people we don’t know and have nothing to do with, how are we ever going to find peace and happiness?
Come on people.
We all have at one time or another mourned the loss of a celebrity, athlete or a politician. We don’t need to worship these people. We need to worship those around us that matter to us.
Period.
Celebrities, athletes and politicians have their own loved ones. Sure we can appreciate what they have added to our lives in the form of entertainment or policy changes, but that is it.
What we are saying here is, maybe more so than at any other time in history, it may be in our best interest to start looking at ourselves and the people in our lives who matter, and to try to encourage, nurture, love and, most important, be positive around them. We know that if you appear to be happy all the time and not consumed with some sort of despair in these trying times, people may start looking at you like you are crazy.
page 5
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Well the choice is yours. Would you not rather be happy and fucking crazy, than immersed in all of the troubles of this big fucked up world. If you believe the message of the Mayans, those who remain positive, remove negative thoughts and love others have a chance of evolving. Whereas those who are negative and filled with despair – well, your world as you know it may be coming to an end. In fact, if you are this way your world has probably been over for a while anyway.
Unfortunately for me during the writing of this book I became a case study in how important it is to care and nurture those whom you love. The people who are really important to you in your life. In a one-month period of time, the following events occurred in my own personal life.
- My relationship, which I deeply cherished, suddenly and unexpectedly came to an end for no understandable reason.
- A friend of mine, 28 years old, came to me to tell me that he has cancer and does not have much time to live.
- Another friend told me one Friday afternoon that his life sucked. I tried to encourage him, he went home and hung himself.
- My closest Aunt called to tell me she was changing her will and, oh by the way, that she might be sick and dying. Less than one month later she died.
- And, finally, after that you’d think it would be enough, an uncle of mine died unexpectedly.
At that moment I realized I was kind of fucked up, as I could not even drum up an emotion when hearing about the loss of my uncle. Unless numbness is considered an emotion.
To top it all off, I started thinking about the loss of my parents, which happened when I was in my early 20’s. I watched both them take their last breaths a year apart. I thought I had dealt with those emotions, however, they came rushing back. I am not revealing this for sympathy or to have anyone feel sorry for me, I am just revealing this because it illustrates how important it is, not to spend too much time or emotions on the other tragedies of the world, that honestly, do not directly impact our lives. It is hard enough to process things in one’s own life and at the same time to be concerned with tornados in Oklahoma. OK, if you live in Oklahoma or one of the neighboring states, then fine, worry about it. If you live in Alaska, then you probably have other, more pressing issues (we hope).
Another thing I learned during this time is that most of the people in this world are so fucking self-absorbed that they forget to be kind to strangers. Due to their trivial shit (John was supposed to pick me up at 6 and he was 5 minutes late), which they think is actually important, they treat strangers rudely without knowing, or caring, what is happening in that person’s world.
The message here is this and I don’t care where the fuck you are – at the counter at McDonald’s, your Mechanic’s or even your Doctor’s office, just because your illegitimate son neglected one of his chores don’t take it out on a stranger. These people are human as well and are just trying to get through their day-to-day challenges and who knows – maybe they just lost a loved one in a tragedy. The last thing they need is to take crap from you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but believe me, if we all listen to this advice it would definitely be a kinder world.
page 6
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You may all be thinking by now that this Seed guy is a jaded cynical bastard. Well, he is not. He is basically just another guy who is mostly happy, loves those important to him and would do anything for them without conditions. He likes to try to be brutally honest: Take that for what it is worth. Hell, I am not asking you all to agree with me. It is just one man’s opinion and takes on the current state of affairs in the world.
Hey, this book is supposed to be a light-hearted look at relationships. However, I believed it was necessary to comment on the way things presently are, to give you an understanding on why relationships are taking such a beating in this current version of the world. With all of the uncertainty and fear that is present how can it be any other way. It has become “me” time and it doesn’t have to be. Everyone needs to slow down a bit, take a big deep breath and stop letting the outside world affect them so much. If you can do this you may actually have a chance of making it through this mess. That is not to say that people in general are not good hearted and caring. Unfortunately, the fact is, a lot of people are actually egotistical, shallow, conniving and fucked in the brain. The point is: I am just asking people to stop acting like sheep and live their own lives.
Is that too much to ask?
Well is it?
Now having said all of this I am sure you are confused as to what this book is about. Well, it couldn’t all be light, there had to be a reason that relationships are in a confusing, beat up mess. I think the above rant gives you some insight into our view of what has happened to our world, and why, just like our world, relationships have spun out of control. They are evolving as well, once again not necessarily in a positive way….
So to help you wind your way through all of this mess and understand what is happening, here it is: Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories. So, let us lighten up a bit and start looking at things from a different perspective.
All we ask of you is:
- Turn off the news.
- Laugh, smile and cry from time to time.
- Have a blast.
- Treat others with kindness.
- Make your "moments" memorable.
- Don't have kids just for the sake of it - kids aren't puppies.
- Avoid confrontations: life is too short.
- And, most important, remember to hug each other.
We may not be able to fix the mess, however, we can have a blast during the ride
. page 7
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Next up: CHAPTER 2
What Is........?
Check back at the start of November for the second chapter of Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories. We promise to post a new chapter every month or so, allowing you to consume our words free of charge.
Better yet, if you like what we have to say, or are at least somewhat amused, angered, aroused or for that matter drunk, why don’t you just purchase a copy. We are pretty sure you will be satiated and spent by the end of your reading experience. You may swear from time-to-time. You may strongly disagree with our theories, however, we are sure that you may occasionally find yourself laughing your ass off and nodding your head with reluctant approval.
To purchase your copy visit: http://www.seedenterprises.com/ , where you will find the links to your favorite bookseller. Or, you can simply go to your favorite bookstore and tell the guy/girl behind the counter that you would like to purchase a copy of Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating, quoting ISBN 1420 8003 02 and they will kindly order a copy in for you.
By visiting the above mentioned website you will also find an array of reviews.
In conclusion, we’ve enjoyed writing our first book and have several other offerings on the way. We guarantee you will not find another book like Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating anywhere. We did not hold back on our opinions and feel we had the guts to “tell-it-like-it-is” from our perspectives. Whether it is right or wrong or somewhere in-between. Which, in our Politically Correct World may be a big NO -NO.
So, don’t wait just to read for free. If you do it will take you roughly 2 years to complete the book as it contains 47 Chapters, and, damn it, if you could afford a computer, you certainly must be able to afford a book.
The fact is, the information from the following chapters may save your life, your marriage and your bank account.
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To view the TABLE OF CONTENTS look around the site. We promise you that you'll find it
THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST AND SUPPORT
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