Frustration and desperation were unfortunately starting to set in. Was failure soon to follow with its army of naysayers, well wishers when your life mirrors theirs, however, when you begin to step out and pursue greatness they seem to turn away from you or even worse, slam a hook into you and start to reel you back into a place where they can understand.
“I could have written a book if I didn’t have to work all day.” -
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Being consumed with the pursuit of new found passion can make 16 hour days appear to be the norm. They’re not, but still it is necessary in the early stages of the pursuit. It can be increasingly addictive, the pursuit that is, true greatness will only come if you can bash down the doors of insecurity and self doubt. A monumental task. Could it be insurmountable? Of course it could. If you are coward.
Questions start to creep in, they circle as if you are weak and it will only be a matter of time before you bow down and become their broken prey. What if your work, your passion, is not worthy of providing you with the necessary benefits of a sustainable existence? You find this thought slamming into you full force from the left.
Before you can process this query ‘bang’ from the right comes: What if the jury comes back and the verdict is negative? Fuck! I am down. I’m hurting. Stop. Please stop. Doubt is starting to win. It senses victory. Do you stop? Do you discount their voices? Or do you accept the conclusion of their deliberations and change course and retreat back to mediocrity? The problem is, that if it is truly your passion that you have discovered, it is not an option. You can’t retreat. Your only option is to discount those who are pestiferous. You must eliminate them from the equation.
However, reality has begun to set in, reality sometimes has a habit of masking itself as failure. The early verdict has come in, and though it is not a competition, this verdict indicates that your passion is an overwhelming success. You knew that already, finding away to accept it is the challenge. Your passion actually seems to be defying all boundaries. You even find yourself learning more about your penned words, from the opinions of others. This is humbling. If it is such a success, why are you living a life that is so impecunious? If it was not for the generosity of a few, you would have become meek and would likely be living in a box. You can’t allow that to be your sentence.
You’ve prepared a list of all of the places that you have approached over the last several months in an attempt to bridge the ever pressing financial responsibilities. The list depresses. One page - two pages - how can it be three pages in length? How can no one be interested? The list is an attempt to encourage a loosening of the purse strings of a potential source of funds. You realize during this exercise people are lame. Surely they can see the drive and determination that is written all over your face.
You have now waited over 45 minutes for your meeting. Time is running short. You have a meeting in 25 minutes with one of the establishments on the list and you have no option but to leave. The drive to this meeting would normally take 15 - 20 minutes, it has now taken 25 and you still have a ways to go. Your pride has already been swallowed, this really is not part of the plan. Yet it has to be, if you want to continue the pursuit of your dream. Living in a box is not a feasible option.
“Fuuucccck!” you scream as you slam your hand into the steering wheel.
These actions don’t remove any of the stress. You feel your blood begin to boil. You are rushing to a meeting that simply makes you ill at the thought of the work involved and due to situations out of your control you may miss the opportunity to perform this undesirable work. Ironic. Like the lack of interest in your list, this must be a sign. You must keep pushing forward.
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You leave the meeting. They seem to want you. Actually it is basically a cattle call, the work is menial, hire 50 slam them against the wall and see how many stick. The answer is usually 1. There is something beautiful about realizing this. This will only be a pit stop. If you proceed you can leave at any time, when your passion becomes more relevant. Sadness fills your heart as you realize others are not as fortunate as you. This is their reality. Hopefully their satisfaction is derived from elsewhere. What kind of life is it if you manage to survive 10 years of mind numbing work you will reach the highest level of pay. Twenty-two dollars an hour. Then you simply die. Unfortunately for most on this course, emotional death comes much earlier.
Once again your back at the office with your list. Forty more minutes of weaving in and out of traffic. Every second of this trek is taking you away from your real goal. This is not productive time. Your told that they can’t see you now, come back in 45 minutes. Another hurdle. For the first time you recognize how precious your time is. You rush home. More road construction - this is taking way too long. You are only home for a few moments, somehow you manage to send off 3 resumes in that time. This kind of pisses you off since you are being forced to jump over hurdles to prove you deserve funding.
Integrity fully intact you present your never ending efforts. If your efforts are declined, so be it. Of course they will not turn you down. Articulately you explain your situation, reveal the pursuits of the day. You do this with a calm confidence. Your request will not break their bank and will allow you to continue on the journey with a little of the pressure alleviated.
Declined you head to your bank, royalty cheque in hand from your first quarter as an author. Strangely you are not worried, it is just another obstacle that will make the eventual success a more interesting story. Funny, the rejection was because you were unable to prove that your cash flow was limited.
You get out of the car exactly one block away from the bank. The drive to the bank, well, more construction says it all. This day sucks.
After a couple of steps you notice a business card on the ground, it has fallen from your folder. You pick it up and as you do, out of the corner of your eye you catch something being tossed by the wind beneath the car. You think nothing of it and carry on. Half a block later you open your folder and to your dismay the cheque isn’t there, so you head on back to the car. Flipping thru every page you can’t find the cheque.
Under the seats - the glove box - everywhere. Damn-it!
Did you leave it at last meeting? You remember taking it out as part of your presentation.
Fuuuck! I am going to have to go back to the scene of the rejection. Another 20 or 30 more wasted minutes. I am meant to be promoting my efforts - my passion. ----
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You get down into a push up position and look under the car. Could the wind have deposited the cheque under the car? Is that what you saw? Two cars later and the results aren’t positive, you resign yourself to the fact that you will have to go back. Almost defeated, you decide that you still have to go to the bank.
Halfway there you cross the street which consists of 4 lanes. About 200 paces later you are at the banks door. You sense something brush against you leg.
You look down and flip - flip - flip - tumble - flip, like a leaf being thrown around helplessly by the breeze.
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Only it is not a leaf, you bend over to pick up the wind blown object. To your dismay and astonishment, it’s the cheque, your first Royalty Cheque, one corner was damp, it had apparently taken the time on its journey to take a brief dip in a puddle, but much like your journey of the day, complete with struggles and challenges, it stayed true to its pursuits and found a way to the final destination.
Clarity engulfs you, the few who have kept you fed and sheltered are the real jury. Their verdict is in and you can’t quit. You have a greater mission. It won’t be easy - nothing significant ever is. Your Royalty Cheque wasn’t a Royalty Cheque after-all - instead it symbolized something far greater - it had become a “Reality Cheque.”
It is now time for the journey to continue.
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