155: day eleven - 14teen
nov 29th - dec 2nd
I’ve decided to fast after all. Starting on Monday December 3rd I’m expunging food from my daily equation. Fruit juice, vegetable juice, juice-juice, water, and juice, will be all that adorns my breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner table. Calorie intake, I’m guessing: about 500 per day. I’ll now return you to our regularly scheduled programming!
The following pep talk is a combination of a new event in my life and a excerpt from my memoir: Russians, Clowns & Drag Queens (letters to ed). Silver-lining… a necessity! It is incredibly personal and it is part of my gift to you!
I hope you enjoy!
pep talk of the day
By December 20th 2008 I will achieve an exceptionally high level of health and fitness.
obligate
*Final notice for pick-up*
Parcel
Last day for pickup: November 30th
It can only mean one thing: the season of obligations has begun.
It's sad she's sick and may not have much time left. It must be excruciatingly painful for her, I don't know for sure as I can only speculate, to be absent from my life, and to not face the demons of her past and move forward with the present. She is my birth mother after all. She may however, not give a fuck!
She is now my living/dying mother. She's known I know the truth for almost four years and she still hasn't acknowledged that fact. My ex-family of brothers/sisters through a niece/cousin sent word to me that she is ill and likely dying. "Bernice has cancer and has had a stroke. It doesn't look good. She may not have much time left."
I paused. Regained composure - fighting back tears. "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she's at ease." How could she be?
She's lived a life full of lies. I don't know what brought her to hide --- again, I could only speculate. I don’t know what could have possibly happened for her to run when the truth be told. I don’t know what prompted her to cause pain, instead of embracing possibility. I can’t understand. She’s never given me the chance. I feel sad for her. For me.
My niece/cousin continued: "Are you going to fix things with her. She's your mother."
Another pause. "Sweetie, how can I fix something that I never knew was broken. All I did was be born."
"She's your mother."
"All I did was be born. A happy ending isn't likely. A reunion when the only separation came from her heart and soul, can't exist."
Over forty years of this cover up, this ruse, and to now pretend some more and try to offer up explanation... impossible. I think. Where would one start? And if starting was a remote possibility, it would have to be her to initiate the first move... all I did was be born.
After the last key stroke of my uncle cousin - niece cousin conversation I retreated to the couch to regroup before work and I broke down. Tears flowed relentlessly as I became engulfed in my mothers pain. I became consumed by the charging emotions and swallowed with trying to understand why my life was never celebrated.
A letter was sent:
Dear B
Hello!
I don’t know where to start or for that matter what to say as I write this letter to you. The last several years have been filled with deep emotion and confusion over the facts of my life that had been kept secret from me ---- after all, I’m the one this news had the most impact on.
First off, Robyn has just informed me of your health concerns and as much as I worried one day a day would come where unbelievable emotional anguish would be thrust upon me and I’d have to come to terms with and learn how to cope and place meaning on the events of the past. I thought when this time came I’d grow hard and be devoid of emotions. That’s the furthest from the truth. After I was told, I lay on the couch and began to cry. It saddens me deeply that you are ill. I hope and wish you fight through and recover.
As I lay crying, thoughts were rushing through my mind. These thoughts have been pacing through my heart for the last several years. Anger, hurt, despair, confusion, heartache and many more emotions have at times been debilitating. I don’t understand what happened and why my life had to be such a secret to everyone. The secrecy held me back and must have been a tremendous burden on everyone who participated in the lie. I can’t say I understand nor will I ever. I’m not sure that I need to. I’m happy with who I am and who I’m becoming.
The pain of not participating in my life must’ve been unbearable at times for you. Do you not feel a need to clear the air? To have some semblance of closure?
For the longest time I wanted to scream at you. I was left to find out the truth about my life by accident. B, a civil servant told me after the worst two months of my life. It devastated me…
…B, I’ll never fathom why you chose to stay in my life. It wasn’t all good and it isn’t good now. The emotionless cards and gifts dig deep into my heart and inflict intense pain. I cry every time I receive them…
…That day I lay crying, I was crying because it was your responsibility to tell me the truth. Crying because you missed that opportunity. Crying because my mother stayed in my life and failed to be a part of it. Crying because you’ve missed my life. Crying because I can’t see a happy ending…Nobody helped me pick up the pieces. Nobody told me they loved me. Nobody said sorry. And most important, nobody acknowledged that everything in my life changed in an instant. Instead, my friends picked me up, dusted me off and told me that they loved me. I can’t explain how much that saddens me that it wasn‘t the family…
…It didn’t have to be this way. Get better. Be happy. I forgive you.
We can’t change the past, all we can do is control how we react to the present.
Wishing you a speedy recovery and much happiness in the future.
Love
Your Son Lindsay
Today I picked up the parcel. This year will certainly be different. It has to be. Open the package, no card. That’s odd. Usually it’s a picture of a tree or a horse or something, and upon opening, my name and the names of my sister aunt, brother uncle, sister mother, and a dog. God, my life has turned into a series of confusing flip-charts to help me define reality. The card must be inside of the gift. I don’t want to open it, but I need to see the card. Without a question this year there will be some sort of explanation: The times were tough when you were born. I was going through a difficult time. Something tragic happened and I don’t know how to tell you. I don’t even need a sorry, just some form of acknowledgment that they understand my life has changed. Something!
Silence, and a box, is what I’ve received. It hurts.
“It’s the thought that…”
Don’t go there. There is no thought present. Just more hurt.
I share this equation because it is much larger than just me. Believe me, this pain echoes loudly in the hearts of many as we enter the Christmas season. Others who’ve had to face why? I’m not crying about my situation. I’m just trying to put it someplace where it can slowly flicker away. I can’t, though. I can only hope to cope.
“You’re better off…”
Yes, but how can that be?
Obligation without love is a constant reminder. Maybe I’m being too dramatic. Maybe me and all the others struggling to find identity are clamoring to the wrong audience. And, that audience lay in congruence, replying with, “get over it.” I will. A lie. But I’ll still be okay. All I did was be born, like others, and it wasn’t our fault.
Some may blast: “You’re being selfish. You need to fix things. Give her peace. Forgive her. She doesn‘t know what to say to you.”
Perhaps, a little, and I have forgiven her, I’m just sad now. Time is running short and I think we may have missed the opportunity long ago. I cry.
The holidays are coming and alone without family seems to be the menu for the season once again. That’s okay. I make the best of it. You can, too. A full spread, turkey and all the dressings. Friends are invited, both close, and those I barely know who are removed from love as well. It’ll be a great day without obligation or condition. Well, not entirely, there is one condition: WELCOME.
I will survive and grow more loving from my experience. My heart will always remain strong. I have no choice in the matter. I didn’t write this part of my script. My only wish for Christmas and the years to come, hopefully, one day, I find the strength to let someone in.
what’s it all about?
The toughest question?
Answerless?
Life issues challenges we must overcome. Not without trials, tribulations, and the odd flat along the way.
Just when you think you have life intricacies under control, trauma may rear its ugly head. Once you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, you realize --- you don’t know squat, and maybe, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Sometimes the ones who are supposed to love you, unconditionally, don‘t, leaving you cold and broken. Magically, when you least expect it, a complete stranger may help you pick up the pieces --- without motive.
Love has no rhyme or reason. It grips us, consumes us, and it can leave us quivering in a corner, trying desperately to hold on. When it’s pure --- nothing’s more beautiful.
Some tempt fate and live long lives. Others live “cleanly” and are taken from us in a flash, leaving us: cynical, bitter and jaded.
The young can’t get there fast enough. They speed race, experiment with drugs, sex and alcohol. Some do it as an act of rebellion. Others because they‘re screaming out for love in our divorce filled world.
Adults place blame --- often missing the boat. It’s far easier to blame drugs, video games, society, etc…
Maybe it is the video games fault, I used to play “Pong” and afterward, I’d drive like a bat out of hell.
I’ve chased “gravy” and was once given a chunk of change --- compared to hearing: “I love you.” The money --- worthless.
The keys:
- Live life to the fullest.
- Understand love is out of your control. You can’t “win” love and if you could: it wouldn’t be love.
- Accept that sometimes we need to say goodbye. You will if you love yourself.
- Pursue your passions and don’t compromise the sincerity of the pursuit.
- Rise above defeat and keep victories in hand.
- Realize career and material goods are nothing more than fleeting at best.
- Tell family and friends: “you love them”. Even if you struggle to find the words.
- And, try to leave the world a wee bit better than it was than when you arrived.
The road is filled with pot holes, poor choices, blind corners, and the occasional flat. Sometimes several flats at the same time. Regardless of whether the flats were of our own doing or a product of fate, it’s time to get out the jack, pump up our hearts, souls, and egos and move forward.
Hopefully, there is a long road ahead filled with happiness.
As for me, I want to slow it down and share it with others.
In fact: I may park my car and walk.
Since I no longer play “Pong,” there’s no need for speed.
Seasons Greetings Friends. I wish you and yours all the best for the years ahead. And remember, be good to others, you never know what’s on their emotional plate. A smile and a friendly hello can go a long way to offering hope for the future.
progress report
I did a wee bit of slipping up on the progress this week. Things were going along famously and I tripped. I let a couple of dashes of depression sneak into the picture and threw some of the gains out the window. Luckily, the gains got caught up on the window lacings and are still within reach with a quick spin of the wheel. I don’t have window lacings. Hush!
“THE GIFT” came, from this point forward - if it is referred to again - it will be called: THE GIFT. I let THE GIFT dictate my spirit. I unwisely expected something that’s not there, leading to, a calorie smorgasbord, and beer, I know, I know, prohibition was short-lived, with the excuse of the unrelenting struggle to come to terms with life as the culprit. I’ve heard the struggle is called: LIVING.
I’ve managed to set THE GIFT aside for the time being, I must, as it’s important to regain focus. Doc., is up for Wednesday afternoon. Fasting is on the docks, beginning Tuesday.
“Hey, above you said, Monday?”
I know, but THE GIFT hit hard and it took me a day longer to discombobulate and come to a place where I could gesticulate my disapproval of my slip.
Gestures aside: I will reach the goal. I’m the test-subject --- it’s important for my mental well-being. 155 here I come. Soon I will turn pain into comedy.
OUCH!
You can’t keep me down for long --- I’m writing the script now!
Positive came from my near fall from grace --- I got to hang out with a great young man for a bit on Sunday, Peter. We shared experience. Discussed what matters. He’s in the process of putting his life into perspective and deciding what matters to him. I can’t imagine what that is like for someone his age in today’s world. I see some of me in him. We overanalyze and forget to enjoy.
Another friend, Scottish Andy, on Saturday night while I was storytelling, broke into my thoughts, “Lindsay, you’re without question filled with passion. That’s a great thing. Slow down. Breathe. Don’t forget to enjoy.” He then hugged me and smiled. He wasn’t judging. He’s a good man. In fact: this is the second installment of him in my writing.
Twenty minutes later another individual stated., “You’re one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.” I’m not sure what I was saying or doing, apparently it was gold.
“Nah. Go on now.”
“Seriously. Hilarious! May I kiss you!?!”
“Not right at this moment.” Served with a smile. That was certainly an interesting moment. I guess I’m breathing. Smile.
In my time with Peter, I was continuously grinning. It was brilliant listening to someone who is trying to find meaning. Selfishly, it removed me from doing so my self. I thank him for that. He’s a bright guy, he’s aware of what matters, for the most part (in my opinion), I hope in his journey he smiles more than he frowns. He’s leaving Vancouver soon, our loss, he’s got family and friends who are important to him and he misses their support back home. I admire that sentiment.
As my the world was spinning around me, and I was letting it drag me down, Peter’s presence helped for a moment pull me away from me. And, who I’m becoming became more important than what may not exist. I relaxed. Friends are so incredibly important. Even if the friendship is just for a moment.
“Lindsay, you’re so easy to be around. Calming.” Magical words to hear. I’ve heard them before. I think I’m a tad crazy --- racing out of control. Maybe I’m not so much. A tad is a good thing, though --- it helps suppress trauma. It’s great to hear someone think my traumas are under control. They’re not so much.
The point: I’m not going to let a slight step backward detour my movement for too long. I refuse to be hard on myself. I’ve got a long road in front of me. My challenge is not just for me, it’s for anyone who comes onboard for the ride. My part is simply to focus ---and see where that focus takes us!
Last thought on the progress: I’m backing off of this weeks weigh-in, it has now been rescheduled for Saturday, December 8th. And, I think when you read below, you too will cut me some slack on my slip-up.
fitness fact/tip
On the other end of the fitness/exercise spectrum, far away from the obsess of, “Do you mind if I work in with you? Share the bench?”
“No. I’m super-setting. I’m using every weight in this area. Gotta blast my pecs! Add an inch to my guns of death. I need all of these weights.” Is a place where fitness and exercise lives in harmony with a healthy lifestyle. It’s a place of balance and understanding. A place where you realize it’s a life long commitment to the betterment of self and a means to help you live life to the fullest. Once you draw this conclusion, then, and only then, will you truly gain the countless benefits from your fitness regimen. HEALTH IS A LIFELONG THING. An extra inch on the pipes of impending doom, for the most part, pointless.
To get that particular headspace of health, first off, it’s best to spend most of your time participating in activities you thoroughly enjoy. Be that, tennis, skiing, golf or even dancing. If it happens to be weight-training, so be it, just be careful, and if you find yourself trying to catch a glimpse of yourself off any thing that creates a reflection… it may be time to think over who you’re really working out for.
Fitness has helped me to deflect the proliferation of challenges which have come my way. It’s offered a place of escape, a respite. Most important, keeping in reasonable physical condition has gone a long way to helping me stave off depression. It’s an absolute necessity. I struggle with it.
Depression takes on many forms. Poor eating (fast-food). Too many cervezas. Sometime questionable sexual practices which strip away your soul. And even trips further into the dark side… where all roads lead to destruction. Support may be absent for you depending on your situation, however, regardless of circumstance, positive has to trump destructive. Thus, it’s paramount to stay aware of down lingering in your life. Fitness is a tremendous way to do this. Betterment of self complete with the endorphin rush is a blessing not to be overlooked. Food, alcohol, sex, drugs & rock n’ roll, only cloud over reality and often make tragic, fatal.
Why the trip to a depressive state?
This weekend I stumbled across an article in the local paper:
(Dr. Dave Hepburn).
The good Doctor has put together a ‘stress meter’ to help troubled souls to determine if the loads of daily life are leading to…
On the stress-meter a bench mark of 300 points is used to determine the likelihood of serious illness coming ones way. Forty-three events are listed ranging from: Death of a spouse; to pregnancy; to change in social activities; to Christmas; all the way to minor violations of law. In 2003/04 when a bright light was shown on my life and a fog of secrecy began lifting --- leading to a fractured truth, I scored 495 on the scale… not good. Current year, 2007, by all indications, as sad as this is to say, I’m okay to be teetering on the edge. This year alone my list of events to date is as follows:
- Death of a family member x 2*.
- Personal injury or illness.
- Laid off at work.
- Poor health of a family member x 2.
- Gain a new family member.
- Change in financial status.
- Change to different line of work.
- Change in work responsibilities.
- Outstanding personal achievement.
- Trouble with boss.
- Change in work hours/conditions.
- Change in sleeping habits.
- Christmas
Surprisingly, parents coming back to life, family alienation, a relentless effort to get my manuscript published, meeting your father for the first time, having to tell your father who you’ve just met that he’s not your father, discovering your mother is sick and dying (for the second time), and the constant “your challenges are no big deal, so, get over them. A lot of people have their parents come back to life with one denying the fact that she’s your mother and the other who wanted the responsibility of his role only to have the role extracted by DNA.” Are not on the list.
*My mother is dying and the day I found out my father wasn't my father was like my father died again have been placed in: the death of a family member category.
As for my 2007 score to date: 555. I don’t want the fucking high score. My life isn’t Pac Man, and I don’t even care if the Pac Man reference has dated me. In this instance, I’m pretty certain high score ain’t such a good thing. “Hey I just scored 950 on Dr. Dave’s stress meter.” Smile. Gasp.
Nudge, nudge, “He just kind of dropped. I don’t think he’s breathing. Hey mister… mister, wake up. Oh well, at least he finished with the high score."
I think more life would be better.
Bingo!
To get there sometimes we have to admit that we might not be okay. And, that’s okay! It’s a great starting point and being in touch with yourself, brilliant, something many never take the time to do.
Whatever challenges come rolling, blasting or crashing your way, please don’t forget to take care of yourself… I have at times and the end result --- I end up feeling like crap and have brought another potential catastrophe to my door. Without care… and without health, nothing else matters. And besides, whether we know it or not, some fantastic people, both new friends and old, love each and everyone of us and want us to remain in their lives.
Bonus morsel:
Part of the tripping up program these few days lead me to accidentally eating the bonus morsel. Sorry!
consumed
day eleven thursday nov. 29th
- B’fast: ½ glass mango smoothie. 90
- V8 Go 90
- *Bread Garden Blueberry Muffin 640
- Lunch: Toasted chicken sandy. 350
- 60 grams peanuts. 360
- 2 iced tea. 300
- Juice Blueberry & Pomegranate (glass). 120
- Dinner: chicken 300 g. (223 c 100 g.) 525
- Peas 80
- Rice (classics) 1.5 servings. 180
- 2 iced tea. 300
- G total for the day. 3005 glutinous day
day twelve nov 30th
- B’fast: Blueberry Pomegranate 110
- Sobee Green Tea Iced Tea. 120
- Blueberry scone. 150
- Lunch: Vera Burger w/cheese 630
- 2 Iced tea. 300
- 30 gms. Peanuts 180
- 4 pints 600
- 2 slices spicy chicken pizza 300
- G total for the day. 2390
day 13teen Saturday dec 1st
- B’fast: Blueberry Pomegranate 110
- Lunch: Toasted chicken sandy. 350
- 60 grams peanuts. 360
- 2 iced tea. 300
- Oops… 4 more pints 600
- Popcorn. 360
- G total for the day. 2080
day 14teen Sunday dec 2nd
book update
I took the time to write the good Dr. above --- updating him on my “stress score, and doing a wee bit of networking.
love is in the air
Nothing new to report this week.
financial forecast
Scallywag.
randomness
I flash to the future, Tuesday, December 4th. How?
I’m a little behind on the updates, I talk/share a lot, and my slow formula has allowed me to venture into the future, gain some information, and post it in the past.
One of my fellow drivers, Jim, seventy-two years old, just returned to work after being absent for quite some time. His absence was due to illness. You could see an uneasiness with being back as he was trying to fit in again, and needs the income for his survival. He asked a lot of questions and his return may have reduced the workload for the rest of us, basically, reducing our pay. At first I felt frustration. My finances are okay, but they’re fragile. I am an aspiring writer after all. After a day passed my frustration subsided. There’s lots of work to share, and besides, the job is just a sign of what my “real” mother always told me, “you’ll never amount to anything.” Not that there is anything wrong with the work --- I’ve learned gads about compassion and the importance of looking deeper without judging. The world, in my opinion, though brilliant, is troubled. The lost souls I drive cement that fact. And unfortunately for most of them --- they’re stuck in the cement and they don’t know how, or want to, pry themselves free. Their pain has for the most part become their identity. I don’t want it to be mine.
Jim died a week ago. I was told on this day. The news numbed me. I didn’t know him all that well, however, for about a year we chatted nearly everyday. We’re from different swatches of life, but that doesn’t matter. Nevertheless, his passing hit home, “Jim died. A week ago.” I interjected into the statement inquiring whether their was a service for him. “No. People don’t do things like that very often anymore.”
Jim died. There has to be more to the end than two words, doesn’t there?
I need to get unstuck, lower my stress score --- it’s imperative I purge, and refocus on good. I’m a good man. A kind man. My family is missing my life --- all of us lose and I just feel sad for them. My story just represents my attempts to dissemble the new evidence, wash it, absorb it, and put it away somewhere out-of-site. I must share it! Telling it is part of becoming aware.
Becoming aware allows me to turn it into comedy! I will in a bit. *SMILE*
My first drive of this morning, during a near-monsoon, I hit a pot hole dead on. Fucked a rim and a tire*. I remained calm. I think I need to stop being calm. I need to find a way to let some things go!.. It’s time. I’m just not sure how?
My family is gone --- I need to accept the love of others. I give much. I think. I must drop my guard. “I’m easy to be with. Calming.” Accept it.
Another friend who lives in LA, has called repeatedly, “Are you okay? I’m worried about you.” Fantastic!
My closest friends, I’ll mention two here, Wayne, Greg… call regularly for updates, “Thanks for making me laugh, Lindsay.” Wow!
Two strangers as I staggered off prohibition and had a few pops this past weekend, “I know you…You’re the writer guy, right? We met about three years ago. It’s good to see you again.” Likewise. “It’s great to see you, actually. We owe you a big thank you! We were sitting at opposite ends of the bar and you were in the middle, without effort you orchestrated the conversation including the two of us. We’ve been best friends ever since. Thank you!”
Really? I thought. I felt a chill. I really didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. Really!
My story is numbing --- I will survive. I will push forward, gaining compassion with each step.
*Could my tire/rim tragedy be a product of a recent ask seed posting: Mr. X Saga - part five. Check http://www.askseed.blogspot.com/ for details. In a nutshell, I may have challenged the big entity above. I may have used strong language. I’m certain I questioned the path we’re being led on. And I know I may have…
Anyway, I’m not anti-deity, I just think perhaps, just perhaps, the coffee breaks upstairs need to be shortened, and hanging around celebrities in trouble, athletes and politicians, may not be the best use of time.
“Paris, how do you feel now that you’re released? Are you changed?”
“I found God on the inside.”
Really?
Last thought before my trip to the depression shredding gym: In the same ask seed answer I may have suggested some fresh rules to live life by. I think I suggested for non-compliance: you don’t get to play anymore. I want to make it abundantly clear: I don’t mean to eliminate life from the rule breakers. Instead, I think part of the platform could be turning Australia once again into a colony of hooligans (we’ll offer new homes to the current residents who’d choose to leave, if they don’t want to live amongst hooligans). We’ll take away all modes of transportation that allow leaving. This way they can play by there own rules and not effect the lives of others. And I’m 99.9999% certain the Big Guy will pay them a visit!
I almost forgot --- sex is fine, just be safe, never manipulative, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone, including you, have fun! It’s a beautiful part of life!
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