a snapshot of me
by: lindsay wincherauk
by: lindsay wincherauk
birth
July 16th, 1960, Edmonton Alberta, Canada.
Parents: Nick & Rebekah Wincherauk.
First home: a mystery, rumor has it for the first five years I was passed around like a hot potato until Nick & Rebekah, finally opened their door. Born in Edmonton… never lived there in childhood, should’ve figured something was fishy. Lived in Saskatoon starting at five. I think.
Brothers/Sisters: Six ranging from four years older to twenty-three years older.
Sequence: Sister (Bernice), Sister (Sadie), Sister (Beverly), Brother (James), Brother (Donald), and Brother (Brian). And, of course, me (Lindsay), number seven.
Aunts/Uncles/Others: countless. One Grandfather was a minister.
First home: a mystery, rumor has it for the first five years I was passed around like a hot potato until Nick & Rebekah, finally opened their door. Born in Edmonton… never lived there in childhood, should’ve figured something was fishy. Lived in Saskatoon starting at five. I think.
Brothers/Sisters: Six ranging from four years older to twenty-three years older.
Sequence: Sister (Bernice), Sister (Sadie), Sister (Beverly), Brother (James), Brother (Donald), and Brother (Brian). And, of course, me (Lindsay), number seven.
Aunts/Uncles/Others: countless. One Grandfather was a minister.
foibles
I’m blind in my left eye. A patch was put over it in my youth --- I just walked into things. The patch apparently wasn’t a miracle worker.
Youth surgeries: numerous, eye (several), tonsils, and others I can’t recall. I was a kid.
Adult surgeries: at least thirteen that I can remember. Seven being knee surgeries.
Pneumonia three times as a kid, quite severe I was told. Battled it a couple times in adulthood. Still winning… whew!
growing up
A bitch. Parents were old. Youngest of seven meant a lot of shouting out “Hey look at me! Look what I can do!” Nobody took the time to look. Not all bad, I became amazingly adept at a lot of different things --- in two year stints. And, I developed a killer personality. Really! Nah… I’m kidding. Am I?
school
I did okay… in two year stints. Class clown. Consummate entertainer. I hid behind personality… trying to get noticed.
University: enrolled to play sports, followed my Brothers footsteps. Academics… I’d get by, sort of. Wrong choice? Nah… just wasn’t ready to pick a direction.
athletics
Looked up to Brother Don. Tried to follow his lead. Football was his thing. I ventured into many areas. All-star second baseman in baseball. City Champion in baseball. Golf… low handicap. Won my division in tournament once. Tennis, good. Football, quarterback: City Champion in sandlot ball. City/Provincial Champion in High School. National Champion in Junior. Played several years in university (as mentioned above).
Accomplishments: Canadian Junior Football Record: Longest touchdown pass in league history.
(page 12 & 147).
12
PASSING YARDS
LONGEST PASS
108t Lindsay Wincherauk to Gord Bolstad, Edmonton Wildcats (PFC)…Sept 24, 1979
147
1979: Quarterback Lindsay Wincherauk of the Edmonton Wildcats throws a record 108 touchdown pass to Gord Bostad on Sept. 24. Brian Peberdy of the Saskatoon Hilltops returns a punt 130 yards for a score on Aug. 12. It is the longest in junior history.
Saskatchewan Sports Hall of Fame: Inducted as part of National Championship Team.
(brilliant hair!)
Many more sporting accomplishments… for the most part unnoticed by family. Oh well.
massive hurdle
Older parents meant an earlier introduction to sickness. Dad’s started when I was sixteen with the last six years being for the most part --- spent visiting the hospital. He died the day after my twenty-fifth birthday, July 17th, 1985.
Mom: passed December 12th 1987.
I not only witnessed both of their declines --- as the youngest child I was there for both of their last gasps of life.
The family: splintered apart. I was left on my own. Bitter… nah, I just don't understand.
career
Spinning in circles. Two years, some success, get bored and quit or eventually get fired. Next career: two years, some success, get bored and quit or eventually get fired. No direction. Home base was gone. The loop continues…. argh… for at least twenty years.
Need focus… maybe tomorrow.
love
Do you mean sex?
Easy… not me, getting some, was never malicious. However, rarely fulfilling --- except for those from my past who've taken the time to read this, of course.
Real love: twice, actually, four times. The love source has gone through a transition.
Now: alone.
Options: present, I hear the knocking, I won’t open the door. Why?
an even more massive hurdle
2003: breakup of a new-sourced true love, death (suicide), death (cancer of a friend), alienation (family and friends), deception, death, death, and another death. Where’d my family go? My home?
a wall
July 2003 Europe beckoning: “Could you phone your parents and ask them who your real parents are?”
What?
My parents came back to life.
What?
My parents aren’t Rebekah & Nicholas. That explains being a hot potato for the first five years. If not them, who?
Bernice and Elmer.
Not Bernice, she wasn’t good to me… Elmer?
Why the mystery?
The times.
Bullshit. Those times are gone.
Do I tell them I know?
Yes. “I know.” *CLICK* They hung up the phone… I’m all alone.
Strangers offer: You don’t understand what it was like back-then.
I checked the calendar… we’re living in the present, back-then can’t be fixed, today a hug can be offered. It’s not.
hope
Elmer!
Three years go by. He wants to be my father. We meet. It’s good. Two weeks later: “Elmer, it’s not a happy ending, you’re not my father.”
Hope drifts away. Alone, again?
Not entirely, fantastic friends… too much for them to constantly be bombarded with?
I hope not.
Fucked up?
Somewhat.
Bringing us to:
my ode to 2007
by: lindsay wincherauk
by: lindsay wincherauk
How am I doing?
“Unbelievably!.. considering. I don’t understand how you could possibly be okay. Too much has happened. I’m not sure how you could’ve handled things. You seem to be able to put things into perspective, assign meaning, understand right and wrong, good and bad, and, you magically seem to be coming out the other end, okay.” Dr. Musial, stated, and then continued. “You are of high intellect and it’s a true testament to your character. It’s an amazing story, Lindsay, and amazingly, you’re handling it. More than a lifetime of hurt has come your way and you’re not broken and bitter. It’s your time to shine.” Now smirking. “You’re either a genius or you’re crazy…”
…I’m going with a crazy… can’t call myself a genius, I think that would be the first indication that I’m not.
2007 was probably the most difficult year of my life. I’m floating, barely. At the risk adding a smattering of whine to my diction: When is it going to get easier?
I don’t have anything left in the tank and my vessel is springing leaks… I want to stop crying. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, maybe a little, I’m a good man. I’m kind. I’ve got a sense of humor. I’m friendly to all. But I can’t seem to scratch and crawl my way to success.
“Lindsay, you’re extremely intelligent, it’s time for you to succeed. You’re family has instilled a heaping helping of the fear of success in you. Primarily, your mother. It’s obvious.” My doctor added. “It’s your time.”
I don’t know how?
Nobody’s watching. They won’t care. They shouldn’t matter. They ran when I needed them the most… now, I need, me. I fucking faked it with my doctor. I’m not doing all that well… and I don’t know how to turn the corner. My friends, brilliant. Wayne, a remarkable father/husband, who has taken care of me without condition, I’m lucky. Greg, my brother in spirit, a man who’s risen above his own family dysfunction and has succeeded immensely in spite of them stripping away his climb by diminishing his effort. I’m not sure they’ve understood the height of his challenge, and that a “I’m proud of you. What a fantastic accomplishment” would’ve gone a long way to bringing him to happy. Is the world spinning so fast that we’re now forgetting to lift the spirits of family? Has it always been this way? If it has been… what’s wrong with us?
I need to let some stuff go… again, I don’t know how?
As the years go by, we understand that there really are more important things in life than “things.” We develop a tendency to hang on to the people who make our lives better --- the kind of people who inspire us by the way they freely give of their talents, the positive way they look at life, and the generous way they share their hearts.
Because you’re that kind of person, I just couldn’t let Christmas go by without wishing you a day filled with joy and a year filled with happiness.
signed: Elmer (my not-father)
Christmas Eve, the words above came in a card sent to me from, Elmer, my not-father. I walked down the street afterward, tears rolling down my cheeks, I didn’t wipe them away. Elmer, sees something. My doctor, does. So do Wayne and Greg. Why doesn’t my family? My mother? She sent me a box with an empty photo album in it.
“She’s trying to hurt you.” Doctor Musial, opined days earlier when I told him of the photo album. She’s succeeding. “There won’t be a happy ending. Where do you see it going with your non-father?”
“Sadly, regardless of the positive sentiment, I’m sure it’ll just drift away. We don’t have a reason anymore to bond. Hearing from him now, as kind as he is, hurts. Maybe it shouldn’t. It just, does. So, I think our relationship needs to run its course and flutter away. His presence reminds me of what I’ll likely never have.”
“You’re probably right. Most people wouldn’t be able to see the reality in your words. It’s astounding that you do. Your relationship would for the most part be awkward without a reason for the connection. You need to grieve losing your father again… with Elmer present, you won’t be able to do just that.” Sadness was present in both voice and expression.
“Sadly, regardless of the positive sentiment, I’m sure it’ll just drift away. We don’t have a reason anymore to bond. Hearing from him now, as kind as he is, hurts. Maybe it shouldn’t. It just, does. So, I think our relationship needs to run its course and flutter away. His presence reminds me of what I’ll likely never have.”
“You’re probably right. Most people wouldn’t be able to see the reality in your words. It’s astounding that you do. Your relationship would for the most part be awkward without a reason for the connection. You need to grieve losing your father again… with Elmer present, you won’t be able to do just that.” Sadness was present in both voice and expression.
Back on the street on Christmas Eve, tears still rolling, I spun back and forth between the card and photo album. Focus on the positive, Lindsay. I’m right. Photo album, a relative stranger sees something special in me, the album, what a beautiful card, album, I do share my heart, I am good to all, it comes naturally, album, my doctor thinks I’m brilliant, and, my not-father wanted to be my father. Take that album and your empty sheets of guilt and pain. Take that!
I’ve fooled them with passion, smoke and mirrors. I may have a positive attitude. I may think of others first, a character flaw?.. I feel beaten, trashed, as if I’m not going to survive. I feel hopeless. I work hard. My tenacity doesn’t appear to matter. I see the world as a place that needs some serious nurturing, now. I see an amazingly beautiful and vibrant world that is self-destructing in delusion and deceit. Collectively we seem to be distracted and chasing glitter instead of substance. We want instead of give. We judge instead of hug. And, we push and barge our way to the unattainable top, instead of taking a moment to breathe and offer others a hand. We’re being manipulated, by greed, and by those who get a big taste of it and don’t realize that they’re no better than those who still take the time to hug. We live in a world where one baseball player, a shortstop, earns $3,139 per hour, 24 hours a day, 365 days per year. We think that’s okay… it’s what the market will bear. I can’t watch baseball anymore. Let alone go to a game… even if my tickets were free. Bitter? No. Jealous? If my weakness was a motivation for money, yes. It’s not, so again, NO. He plays baseball. Don’t we see the absurdity? Don’t we see the shunning of all others?
We’re all created equal.
PLEASE! Not in the current version of the world.
I don’t belong of this earth. I’ve got the wrong attitude. I haven’t been able to jump on the greed bandwagon. I’m not out searching for the BIGGEST SALE. The whole concept of SALE itself screams “let’s screw each other over… we’ve produced too much crap and now we’ve got to make room for the next batch coming off the assembly lines by finding a way to sell it to you.” Be honest: for the most part you don’t need what you’re buying. Corporate profits must keep rising or the shareholders won’t be able to claim their perch at the top. Isn’t it time to stop raping the earth and produce just what we need, and most important, sell it for what it‘s worth to begin with?
Then there won’t be anymore sales. Precisely!.. we can get back to family. An impossible dream?
Unfortunately, greed and want, makes it an impossibility until our whole system crumbles. The problem: we’ll never be honest with ourselves to see the possibility of that day coming ‘cause we’re too busy crawling over each other at the mall.
Several potential love interests contacted me over the holidays, wishing me well, they’ve all shared a common attraction to me, “You’re easy to be with. Calming. I feel safe around you. You’re not like the rest.” I fail each of them as I don’t know how to truly let them in. I resist being loved. I punish myself. I’m afraid to be hurt. I contradict, me. How can I be calming, easy to be with, when I feel so afraid?”
Truth be told, their company protects me, helps me to escape, me. I need to let someone in for more than a moment. How?.. is the question.
The end has crossed my mind again on a couple of occasions. I’ve kept its echoes silent to others. I hate its presence. I sink low and think: what a statement it would be if I didn’t rise on January 2nd. The 1st is my mothers birthday, I could punctuate my pain by being no more, and I could send the ALBUM back with one photo, me waving goodbye. We’ve never said hello --- the photo could do both.
I never told my doctor of my demise creeping into my thoughts… I was too busy selling my performance. My acting is strong. I’ve never told another living soul of the extent of my pain, I don’t want to be a burden. I wear it daily. If I do act… I’ll need to be forgotten as those who do love me, they don’t deserve my selfishness, selfless is supposed to be my strength. I’ll have betrayed them. I’m sorry.
I’ll be here on the 2nd and the pain will go on. I’ll continue with the next scene… trying to SNAP out of my fall. I’ll keep persisting. Searching for positive. Being kind to others. I need to be kind to myself. I’ll continue the pursuit of my passion. I’ll let someone in… accept who I’ve become. I’m lying, I think. I’ll embrace me. At least I’ll try. I’ll continue to fool others. I’ll continue to hug. I’ll continue to cry. I want to find success. To capture happiness. Christmas has come and gone --- I invited many people to share in mine --- some confirmed that they were coming… most never showed. I pretended their absence didn’t hurt. It cemented the fact: new friends are a stretch. They’ve got their own lives. I need to be good to me… I sent the invites, and I’ll do so again next year, bitter is not allowed! I wanted to make the day astounding. I wanted to offer warmth and hospitality. I guess I did --- the numbers are irrelevant as it is more important to accept the gesture. No shows are not a reflection of the gesture.
My great friend, Steve, did come after all, and another friend, Steve, dropped by for an afternoon visit… that is all that matters. And I was given the opportunity to learn more about another guest who I’d likely never break bread with in the real world. We broke bread together so to speak, and if I say so myself the meal was fantastic.
Boxing Day, a good friend, Binh, called, he was away from home for only his second Christmas. He misses home. He called to ask if he could drop by for a visit. “Absolutely,” was the answer. Christmas was extended. We chatted for hours, partook in liquid refreshments, listened to Christmas songs. Very nice! Friendship and love is what the season is about. I shared stories from my youth, Binh, often suppresses tears, the story evoked the odd drop. The memory shared was a cherished one. Me, a youngster, a little over five at most, I never understood it at the time, however, the deception of my upbringing instilled many wonderful characteristics in me… anyway, on Christmas mornings past I’d be anxious for the family to come together, the gifts weren’t important, at least not ones to me, every Christmas I assumed the role of distributor, from:… to:… I’d hand out gift after gift. Keeping the family together was what mattered. Where did they go? Have they forgotten?
I’ve fooled them with passion, smoke and mirrors. I may have a positive attitude. I may think of others first, a character flaw?.. I feel beaten, trashed, as if I’m not going to survive. I feel hopeless. I work hard. My tenacity doesn’t appear to matter. I see the world as a place that needs some serious nurturing, now. I see an amazingly beautiful and vibrant world that is self-destructing in delusion and deceit. Collectively we seem to be distracted and chasing glitter instead of substance. We want instead of give. We judge instead of hug. And, we push and barge our way to the unattainable top, instead of taking a moment to breathe and offer others a hand. We’re being manipulated, by greed, and by those who get a big taste of it and don’t realize that they’re no better than those who still take the time to hug. We live in a world where one baseball player, a shortstop, earns $3,139 per hour, 24 hours a day, 365 days per year. We think that’s okay… it’s what the market will bear. I can’t watch baseball anymore. Let alone go to a game… even if my tickets were free. Bitter? No. Jealous? If my weakness was a motivation for money, yes. It’s not, so again, NO. He plays baseball. Don’t we see the absurdity? Don’t we see the shunning of all others?
We’re all created equal.
PLEASE! Not in the current version of the world.
I don’t belong of this earth. I’ve got the wrong attitude. I haven’t been able to jump on the greed bandwagon. I’m not out searching for the BIGGEST SALE. The whole concept of SALE itself screams “let’s screw each other over… we’ve produced too much crap and now we’ve got to make room for the next batch coming off the assembly lines by finding a way to sell it to you.” Be honest: for the most part you don’t need what you’re buying. Corporate profits must keep rising or the shareholders won’t be able to claim their perch at the top. Isn’t it time to stop raping the earth and produce just what we need, and most important, sell it for what it‘s worth to begin with?
Then there won’t be anymore sales. Precisely!.. we can get back to family. An impossible dream?
Unfortunately, greed and want, makes it an impossibility until our whole system crumbles. The problem: we’ll never be honest with ourselves to see the possibility of that day coming ‘cause we’re too busy crawling over each other at the mall.
Several potential love interests contacted me over the holidays, wishing me well, they’ve all shared a common attraction to me, “You’re easy to be with. Calming. I feel safe around you. You’re not like the rest.” I fail each of them as I don’t know how to truly let them in. I resist being loved. I punish myself. I’m afraid to be hurt. I contradict, me. How can I be calming, easy to be with, when I feel so afraid?”
Truth be told, their company protects me, helps me to escape, me. I need to let someone in for more than a moment. How?.. is the question.
The end has crossed my mind again on a couple of occasions. I’ve kept its echoes silent to others. I hate its presence. I sink low and think: what a statement it would be if I didn’t rise on January 2nd. The 1st is my mothers birthday, I could punctuate my pain by being no more, and I could send the ALBUM back with one photo, me waving goodbye. We’ve never said hello --- the photo could do both.
I never told my doctor of my demise creeping into my thoughts… I was too busy selling my performance. My acting is strong. I’ve never told another living soul of the extent of my pain, I don’t want to be a burden. I wear it daily. If I do act… I’ll need to be forgotten as those who do love me, they don’t deserve my selfishness, selfless is supposed to be my strength. I’ll have betrayed them. I’m sorry.
I’ll be here on the 2nd and the pain will go on. I’ll continue with the next scene… trying to SNAP out of my fall. I’ll keep persisting. Searching for positive. Being kind to others. I need to be kind to myself. I’ll continue the pursuit of my passion. I’ll let someone in… accept who I’ve become. I’m lying, I think. I’ll embrace me. At least I’ll try. I’ll continue to fool others. I’ll continue to hug. I’ll continue to cry. I want to find success. To capture happiness. Christmas has come and gone --- I invited many people to share in mine --- some confirmed that they were coming… most never showed. I pretended their absence didn’t hurt. It cemented the fact: new friends are a stretch. They’ve got their own lives. I need to be good to me… I sent the invites, and I’ll do so again next year, bitter is not allowed! I wanted to make the day astounding. I wanted to offer warmth and hospitality. I guess I did --- the numbers are irrelevant as it is more important to accept the gesture. No shows are not a reflection of the gesture.
My great friend, Steve, did come after all, and another friend, Steve, dropped by for an afternoon visit… that is all that matters. And I was given the opportunity to learn more about another guest who I’d likely never break bread with in the real world. We broke bread together so to speak, and if I say so myself the meal was fantastic.
Boxing Day, a good friend, Binh, called, he was away from home for only his second Christmas. He misses home. He called to ask if he could drop by for a visit. “Absolutely,” was the answer. Christmas was extended. We chatted for hours, partook in liquid refreshments, listened to Christmas songs. Very nice! Friendship and love is what the season is about. I shared stories from my youth, Binh, often suppresses tears, the story evoked the odd drop. The memory shared was a cherished one. Me, a youngster, a little over five at most, I never understood it at the time, however, the deception of my upbringing instilled many wonderful characteristics in me… anyway, on Christmas mornings past I’d be anxious for the family to come together, the gifts weren’t important, at least not ones to me, every Christmas I assumed the role of distributor, from:… to:… I’d hand out gift after gift. Keeping the family together was what mattered. Where did they go? Have they forgotten?
Binh helped to remind me family changes. A great lesson. Christmas is important to him. As our day wound down I could see the joy in his smile, maybe created in part by the liquids, actually, not. We threw on some glasses that made the room explode into a kaleidoscope of colors. We acted like children. For a moment we were again --- how fun! His presence helped me to remember it isn’t about just one day… the warmth and vibrancy of color burst into our hearts as we listened to song after song, culminating with, “Thank you! You saved Christmas for me. I’ve had a great time.”
He saved mine as well and helped me to regain the positives. Thank you!
Rebirth is upon us again. A new year is on the horizon. A clean slate. I promise to reach for the sky. I promise to wipe my slate clear. I promise to…
I just need to start believing my performance. I hope one day I can.
He saved mine as well and helped me to regain the positives. Thank you!
Rebirth is upon us again. A new year is on the horizon. A clean slate. I promise to reach for the sky. I promise to wipe my slate clear. I promise to…
I just need to start believing my performance. I hope one day I can.
2008
Is it my turn to be calmed?
The best must certainly be ahead. My Memoir will be published and it will become a rousing literary and motion picture success. I truly am an amazing and beautiful man who’ll have a positive impact on the world. And most important: I deserve a life filled with love, happiness, health, and prosperity.
As my doctor directed confidently my way:
“Lindsay, it’s time for you to shine. You’re either a genius or you’re crazy”
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