Seed's Everyday Guy/Gal of the Week

Seed's Everyday Guy/Gal of the Week

15 Questions

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Week 1 Friday December 23, 2005

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Bringing Out the Celebrity in Each of Us!

Brought to you by (Your Company) in conjunction with Seed Enterprises.

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Preliminary questions. Not the real questions.

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Who are you?

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Lindsay

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Alias?

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the seed

Occupation (s)?

Author, original, entrepreneur, comic, aspiring exception, journalist, comic, screenwriter and dreamer.

I also drive construction workers to work and work for a high-end furniture store. Whatever the hell that is.

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Dream occupation?

I’m living it now. I’m working diligently at trying to create my own world as a:

Author, original, entrepreneur, comic, aspiring exception, journalist, comic, screenwriter and dreamer.

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Co-author of the critically acclaimed book: Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular).

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Co-author of the soon to be released book: Poutine.

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Nearly completed the riveting novel: Russians Clowns & Drag Queens.

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Regular columnist in 24 Hours Vancouver.

Now the key is to make a living from it. I won't stop till I do.

Status?

Single.

With the exception of the writing, I’m working way too much right now to give enough to a relationship.

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I've loved and lost love on a few occasions.

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If the right one comes along…..

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I guess I’d be open to the possibilities.

Age?

I forgot.

Actually I have nothing to hide, I’m a sweet, saucy, sultry 4o ish. That was fun to type.

Actually in all reality I just turned 2.

Send me an email if you’d like to know how that is possible.

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1. Clowns: Good or bad?

Good of course.

Wait a second, you’re not talking about those freaky horror flick clowns like……

2. If you were trapped in a elevator for 24 hours with 1 other person: Who would you want it to be?

That is a difficult question.

Do I try to sound sophisticated and pick a famous historical figure?

Do I just pick someone who is ridiculously hot?

Shallow or educational?

I’m leaning towards ed…no sha…..

Damn it, I know.

You.

3. If while struck in that elevator you could have any food imaginable: What would it be?

Nothing that causes flatulence. I’m thinking a wicked salad full of fresh crisp vegetables and fruits. Either Pumpkin or Avgholemeno soup. Jamaican Jerk Chicken from the street vendors of Negril Jamaica. Chase it all down with some ice cold Red Stripes. For desert a tray of Lemon & Butter Tarts.

4. Underwear?

Periodically. Like it sexy hot.

5. The Future: On a personal level: Bright or dim?

Extremely powerfully bright.

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Like mentioned above, I just turned 2. The pegs are starting to fit into the holes now. I’m pursuing my dreams with calculated reckless abandon. The dreams just sort of dropped in on me. Fortunately I was wearing the right head gear.

6. The Future: On a global level: Bright or dim?

I’d like to say bright, but, I think I’d be lying. Part of the problem with becoming a writer is you gain this sudden awareness and start to look at things from different angles. The problem with this new found awareness is that the world kind of sucks right now. You’d have to be stunned not to realize that.

However, having said that, I truly believe there is more good than bad in this world (maybe I’m the stunned one), and if “the good” puts on their rally caps and raises its voice, maybe we can make a difference. (By “the good” I don’t mean the radical moral majority, they’ve screwed up things for too long now).

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7. Where's Paradise?

“Some rich man came and raped the land.
Nobody caught ‘em.
Put up a bunch of ugly boxes.
And, Jesus people bought them.
They called it paradise the place to be.
They watched the hazy sun sinking in the sea.

You can leave it all behind.
Sail to the Lahaina
Just like the missionaries did.
So many years ago.
They even brought a neon sign:

“Jesus is Coming.”

Brought the white man’s burden down.
Brought the white man’s rein.

Who will provide the grand design?
What is yours and what is mine?
Cause’ there is no more new frontier.
We have got to make it here.

We satisfy our endless needs and.
Justify our bloody deeds.
In the name of destiny.

And in the name of God.

And you can see them there.
On Sunday morning.
They stand up and sing about.
What it’s like up there.

They call it paradise.
I don’t know why.
You call someplace paradise.

Kiss it goodbye.”

-the eagles/the last resort.
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I sort of have to agree with the sentiment of this song.

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C’mon, we have a global population nearing 7 billion people. We justify all of our actions in the name of…..

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I’m not even sure what we are doing it in the name of any more. We have seemed to have lost sight of what’s really important on this planet. Us. Our families. Our friends and the creatures that can’t control their own destinies. Such as; animals, plants, insects, etc.

Hell, this song is from the 70’s when their was only 3 billion people on the planet. They seemed to be sending the message out that we were messing things up a bit. Maybe they were just HIGH. Who knows.

I guess my answer is as follows, Negril Jamaica, Sitges Spain, Florence Italy, New York City, Vancouver, British Columbia, wherever my dear friends are, my bedroom, your bedroom if there is a wicked connection and of course my home.

Actually any place that I find comfort.

8. If you could change 1 thing about "our" world: What would it be?

Slow it down. Call a time-out. Give the world a chance by putting the brakes on our rampant consumerism.

9. Worst job ever? Best job ever?

Worst: a landscaping job where I carried fridges and stoves up flights of stairs into a new apartment complex.

Best: I’m creating it right now.

10. Passion. What turns your crank?

My crank?

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Hmmmmm - life.

Making some sort of sense of it and as corny as this sounds making a positive contribution.

11. Cats or dogs?

I have a cat, but, I do like both. I maybe lean slightly in favor of the feline though.

12. Anything to promote: Website, friend, band, bar, vibrator......?

You’re on my website so have a look around. Lots of fun stuff. Maybe even some eye candy. Other than that my friends......

I’ll update this answer over time.

13. When did you first realize you were staight, gay or bisexual?

Wow, that is a personal question.

If someone doesn’t answer it does it mean they are hiding something?

I think not.

I think if we define ourselves for the world to see we are limiting reality. Painting oneself with broad strokes. I like to think of myself as an individual.

Maybe I should run for political office.

The answer: I haven’t realized anything yet.

14. How would you like to die?

Do I have to?

In your arms.

Wait, that would be selfish.

Can I change my answer?

Thanks.

My new answer: In your arms.

15. At what age?

At a healthy fit virile 147.

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Hey if you'd like to be Seed's Everyday Guy/Gal of the Day. Just submit a recent photo along with the answers to the 15 Questions along with the Intro Questions to askseed@hotmail.com and we will consider you.

You gorgeous devil.

Stay-tuned for exciting news. Who knows maybe even some prizes.

Tell your friends, family and pets.

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In an ongoing attempt to make a living from my passion, if you happen to be looking for a fresh writing voice, a creative photographer and a relentless marketer, send me an email and we can discuss the possibilities. You may send it to the email addy above.

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I'm also in the market for a publishing partner and a literary agent.

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Let's take the world by storm. A literary storm!

Seed’s first major television appearance

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Book promotion is an incredibly arduous task full of excitement, frustration and false hope. Complete with deep, deep lows and tremendous highs. Little victories - when they come, are quickly cherished, only to be followed with the feeling of a long-fall off a high cliff.

When one pursues a career (passion) in the literary world life changes in a heartbeat. There is no more time off. Writing and creativity is almost a curse. Every activity becomes a possible story. Everyone you meet potentially becomes a colorful character in a future twisted tale. And every turn represents a potential plot twist. Relaxation becomes a thing of the past.

With writing and the creative arts, self-doubt sometimes creeps in which can be debilitating, leaving the pen idle. Ink flow ceases and key strokes grind to a halt. However, you must press forward. New becomes a necessity. As they say publish or perish. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast doesn’t guarantee prosperity with publication.

A five star review, quickly turns into: “I’m not good enough.”

Demons of insecurity both humble and terrorize.

Then for a whisper of time everything clicks. Television comes calling. On November 18th Seed experienced one of those little victories. He was a guest on Citytv’s Breakfast Television hosted by Simi Sara and Dave Gerry. The preceding weeks were filled with excitement and anticipation.

“What will I wear?”

The call from the producer came: “How do you see the segment going?” She queried.

“I think we can approach it from this angle: We can talk about my book and how having a positive attitude and drive can help you overcome the most traumatic events imaginable.”

“No.”

“No. How do you see it going?”

“Well - since your book is both edgy and filled with twisted humor - how about something showing that edge? I don’t know, how about the top reasons to dump your significant other before the holidays.”

After a moment of pondering, I came back with: “Sure, I can do that.”

Before the phone could hit the headset I started to think, what the hell have I just agreed to? I realized they wanted me to do a comedy routine, ala David Lettermen.

Excitement, fear, anxiety and more fear, quickly followed by, hmmmmm - fear, I realized that there was no turning back, I was going to be on a major local TV program with hosts who are polished television veterans.

What a tremendous opportunity. Talk about leaving the comfort zone and stepping out onto the plank. As much as fear was the main equation in this chapter of life, I couldn’t wait for the opportunity to shine or fall on my face in a fashion similar to………. I guess me falling on my face. Better wear some face protection.

Quickly I rushed out to do some research (beers) and I quickly put together a list of the Top 10 Reasons to Dump. Actually in a fashion similar to This Is Spinal Tap, seeing that my knobs go to 11, I came up with the Top 11 Reasons to Dump.

Ok that is actually a lie as I have a reason 2 (b) and 2, not 2 (a), but, just simply 2.

Why?

No reason.

I also in an effort to cover all bases came up with 4 additional reasons. All side-splittingly funny. Really - at least I thought so. I figured my reasons were bordering on comedic brilliance.

Of course my ego is not large enough to believe the last line. I do however, feel there is a touch of comedy in the reasons and that they were certainly going to provide the viewing public with a dose of laughter to kick-start their day.

Pleased with my efforts, I sent my list to the producer.

Next a pleasant phone conversation concluding with, “Have fun tomorrow.”

I was stoked. This was going to be a blast. Sure I’ll be nervous as hell, but hell, I’m going to be on TV, not only talking about my book, but, doing some shtick as well. What could be better.

Clip - clip an email came simply stating: One more thing I wanted to say but forgot while I had you on the phone. I'd like to drop the few that are rude or have sexual references (imagine little Timmy eating Cheerios as our audience). so we might avoid reasons # 2, 2b, 3 and 4. Sorry I should have mentioned it.

The comedy from the bit was eliminated. What to do? What to do? What to do? Beetlejuice (cubed).

Not to be discouraged after several painstaking moments of deep analytical thought I came up with - SCREW IT. I’m not going to do anything. I had decided that I was going to go on and for lack of a better term - WING IT. I figured that way at least I would keep my segment fresh and real.

No rehearsed crap. Maybe some crap, but, at least it was going to be fresh.

On the morning of the show, I got up at 5 am. In reality I had been up all night pretend sleeping. Complete with pretend dreams. One of the dreams was about squirrels. What the hell is that supposed to mean.

I arrived at the studio at 6:30 am. Quickly one of the producers whisked me into the Green Room. Whisk may actually be too strong of term, we actually casually sauntered.

The Green Room was stocked with juice, coffee and various pastries. Yummy!

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This is where I found out the Guest Lineup for the days show.

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• Ian Mulgrew - Author: “Bud Inc.” A book about ganja and its ramifications on Canadian Culture
• Me
• Mayor Larry Campbell on his last day off office.

Pretty stellar if I don’t say so myself. I was eager to hear what “Me” was going to say.

The Green Room was fun. Once again a very strong descriptive word (fun). I had a captive audience to share the story of “Me” with. I must be good at telling the story, or maybe the story is interesting, because, the audience appeared to be riveted. Maybe they were faking, but, still riveted.

I watched the marijuana man and his segment. He is very polished. Not a rookie to the game. Maybe he was polished because he was very, very, very, very relaxed. That and his publisher was paying for his promotional tour.

Then it came my turn to take the stage. For me very intimidating. What thoughts were going through my mind you ask. White space. That was it. Simi Sara looked nice. Another award winning description.

The interview was a blur. Something about the most controversial chapters of the book. Which I couldn’t say any of the chapters titles, because they’d likely offend or they contain the f-bomb.

As for the list……..Simi asked for the top 4 reasons. Which I quickly stated that I couldn’t say them on television. By order of the producer.

Simi asked for the top reason. I calmly injected to avoid the Inlaws. Next some more white space and then I think I told everyone to dump there significant other before the holidays and then get back together in January. At least that is what I think I said.

The highlight of the whole experience was that after the dust settled and it was my time to leave the stage, Simi expressed to me that she has read some of my stuff and that I have a unique talent and to keep plugging away.

The thing is she didn’t have to say that, but, she did. That instantly made me feel good. To be discounted at a later time as self-doubt rears its ugly head.

In summary, the interview was a success. The crew at Citytv was fantastic, all the way from Valerie the associate producer, to the producers on set, the camera people, make-up artist Meghan and of course Simi & Dave.

Dave actually tried to calm my nerves a bit by coming into the Green Room and saying he loved my shirt. Wasn't sure how it would play on TV though. I think I kind of sucked. However, several people who saw it said they enjoyed it and I did a great job.

I have a copy, maybe one day I will have the courage to watch it.

This is the original email sent to the producer. As you can see the banned ones are damn funny. At least to me.

Top reasons to dump before the holidays

10. Fashion issues. You’ve dated several times and she’s only worn stir-up pants and turtle necks.
9. Your significant other introduces you to their spouse.
8. You realize the ring is going to cost 3 months salary.
7. Your boyfriends Christmas tree doesn’t stand upright.
6. You see a smoking hot dress you want to wear on New Years Eve and you realize the only way you will be able to afford it is if you cut out one gift from your Christmas list.
5. On your third date you find out the reason that she only wears turtle necks is because she has an Adam’s Apple.
4. Every time you ask him to pick up a Yule log - he heads straight to the bathroom.
3, He’s a little too excited about sitting on Santa’s lap.
2(b). You want to have sex with elves guilt free this holiday season.
2. You find her tinsel on someone else’s tree.

1. To avoid the Inlaws.

Other possibilities:

• We live in Vancouver, yet, you’ve seen 2 snow angels climb out of his bedroom window.
• Rudolph the pool boy has been hanging around a bit too much and you don’t have a pool.
• Your significant other has moved away without giving you a forwarding address.
• Your boyfriend is British and is a little too excited about stuffing the ’bird.’

5 gifts that may be a sign your relationship is over.

1. Luggage.
2. A Membership to a Singles Club.
3. Condoms.
4. A restraining order.
5. A toaster.

Book & Contact Information

• To purchase a copy of Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories visit: www.seedenterprises.com where you will find links to booksellers.
• Go to Duthie books at 2239 West 4th, if it is not in stock they will be happy to order it in for you.
• Simply ask your favorite book store to order in a copy for you.

Columns/Writing

• I appear in 24 Hours Vancouver on a regular basis. Page 5.
• I write a weekly column for Been-dumped.com in London England. http://www.been-dumped.com/relationship_author.php
• I write Ask Seed a relationship and life forum. Come have all of your relationship and life questions answered with brutal honesty and perhaps a touch of humor.
• To see questions and answers and to ask your own, visit: www.seedenterprises.com and follow the links or on the Been-dumped website.
• My second book: “Poutine” is complete and ready to go to the publisher.

Miscellaneous

• T-shirts, shorts, hats, panties, artwork, bags…… are available by visiting the Boutique on the website. Funky stuff. http://www.cafepress.com/seedsboutique
• You will also find a list of books that are soon to be released.