When one pursues a career (passion) in the literary world life changes in a heartbeat. There is no more time off. Writing and creativity is almost a curse. Every activity becomes a possible story. Everyone you meet potentially becomes a colorful character in a future twisted tale. And every turn represents a potential plot twist. Relaxation becomes a thing of the past.
With writing and the creative arts, self-doubt sometimes creeps in which can be debilitating, leaving the pen idle. Ink flow ceases and key strokes grind to a halt. However, you must press forward. New becomes a necessity. As they say publish or perish. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast doesn’t guarantee prosperity with publication.
A five star review, quickly turns into: “I’m not good enough.”
Demons of insecurity both humble and terrorize.
Then for a whisper of time everything clicks. Television comes calling. On November 18th Seed experienced one of those little victories. He was a guest on Citytv’s Breakfast Television hosted by Simi Sara and Dave Gerry. The preceding weeks were filled with excitement and anticipation.
“What will I wear?”
The call from the producer came: “How do you see the segment going?” She queried.
“I think we can approach it from this angle: We can talk about my book and how having a positive attitude and drive can help you overcome the most traumatic events imaginable.”
“No.”
“No. How do you see it going?”
“Well - since your book is both edgy and filled with twisted humor - how about something showing that edge? I don’t know, how about the top reasons to dump your significant other before the holidays.”
After a moment of pondering, I came back with: “Sure, I can do that.”
Before the phone could hit the headset I started to think, what the hell have I just agreed to? I realized they wanted me to do a comedy routine, ala David Lettermen.
Excitement, fear, anxiety and more fear, quickly followed by, hmmmmm - fear, I realized that there was no turning back, I was going to be on a major local TV program with hosts who are polished television veterans.
What a tremendous opportunity. Talk about leaving the comfort zone and stepping out onto the plank. As much as fear was the main equation in this chapter of life, I couldn’t wait for the opportunity to shine or fall on my face in a fashion similar to………. I guess me falling on my face. Better wear some face protection.
Quickly I rushed out to do some research (beers) and I quickly put together a list of the Top 10 Reasons to Dump. Actually in a fashion similar to This Is Spinal Tap, seeing that my knobs go to 11, I came up with the Top 11 Reasons to Dump.
Ok that is actually a lie as I have a reason 2 (b) and 2, not 2 (a), but, just simply 2.
Why?
No reason.
I also in an effort to cover all bases came up with 4 additional reasons. All side-splittingly funny. Really - at least I thought so. I figured my reasons were bordering on comedic brilliance.
Of course my ego is not large enough to believe the last line. I do however, feel there is a touch of comedy in the reasons and that they were certainly going to provide the viewing public with a dose of laughter to kick-start their day.
Pleased with my efforts, I sent my list to the producer.
Next a pleasant phone conversation concluding with, “Have fun tomorrow.”
I was stoked. This was going to be a blast. Sure I’ll be nervous as hell, but hell, I’m going to be on TV, not only talking about my book, but, doing some shtick as well. What could be better.
Clip - clip an email came simply stating: One more thing I wanted to say but forgot while I had you on the phone. I'd like to drop the few that are rude or have sexual references (imagine little Timmy eating Cheerios as our audience). so we might avoid reasons # 2, 2b, 3 and 4. Sorry I should have mentioned it.
The comedy from the bit was eliminated. What to do? What to do? What to do? Beetlejuice (cubed).
Not to be discouraged after several painstaking moments of deep analytical thought I came up with - SCREW IT. I’m not going to do anything. I had decided that I was going to go on and for lack of a better term - WING IT. I figured that way at least I would keep my segment fresh and real.
No rehearsed crap. Maybe some crap, but, at least it was going to be fresh.
On the morning of the show, I got up at 5 am. In reality I had been up all night pretend sleeping. Complete with pretend dreams. One of the dreams was about squirrels. What the hell is that supposed to mean.
I arrived at the studio at 6:30 am. Quickly one of the producers whisked me into the Green Room. Whisk may actually be too strong of term, we actually casually sauntered.
The Green Room was stocked with juice, coffee and various pastries. Yummy!
- Ian Mulgrew - Author: “Bud Inc.” A book about ganja and its ramifications on Canadian Culture
- Me
- Mayor Larry Campbell on his last day off office.
Pretty stellar if I don’t say so myself. I was eager to hear what “Me” was going to say.
The Green Room was fun. Once again a very strong descriptive word (fun). I had a captive audience to share the story of “Me” with. I must be good at telling the story, or maybe the story is interesting, because, the audience appeared to be riveted. Maybe they were faking, but, still riveted.
I watched the marijuana man and his segment. He is very polished. Not a rookie to the game. Maybe he was polished because he was very, very, very, very relaxed. That and his publisher was paying for his promotional tour.
Then it came my turn to take the stage. For me very intimidating. What thoughts were going through my mind you ask. White space. That was it. Simi Sara looked nice. Another award winning description.
The interview was a blur. Something about the most controversial chapters of the book. Which I couldn’t say any of the chapters titles, because they’d likely offend or they contain the f-bomb.
As for the list……..Simi asked for the top 4 reasons. Which I quickly stated that I couldn’t say them on television. By order of the producer.
Simi asked for the top reason. I calmly injected to avoid the Inlaws. Next some more white space and then I think I told everyone to dump there significant other before the holidays and then get back together in January. At least that is what I think I said.
The highlight of the whole experience was that after the dust settled and it was my time to leave the stage, Simi expressed to me that she has read some of my stuff and that I have a unique talent and to keep plugging away.
The thing is she didn’t have to say that, but, she did. That instantly made me feel good. To be discounted at a later time as self-doubt rears its ugly head.
In summary, the interview was a success. The crew at Citytv was fantastic, all the way from Valerie the associate producer, to the producers on set, the camera people, make-up artist Meghan and of course Simi & Dave.
Dave actually tried to calm my nerves a bit by coming into the Green Room and saying he loved my shirt. Wasn't sure how it would play on TV though. I think I kind of sucked. However, several people who saw it said they enjoyed it and I did a great job.
I have a copy, maybe one day I will have the courage to watch it.
This is the original email sent to the producer. As you can see the banned ones are damn funny. At least to me.
Top reasons to dump before the holidays
10. Fashion issues. You’ve dated several times and she’s only worn stir-up pants and turtle necks.
9. Your significant other introduces you to their spouse.
8. You realize the ring is going to cost 3 months salary.
7. Your boyfriends Christmas tree doesn’t stand upright.
6. You see a smoking hot dress you want to wear on New Years Eve and you realize the only way you will be able to afford it is if you cut out one gift from your Christmas list.
5. On your third date you find out the reason that she only wears turtle necks is because she has an Adam’s Apple.
4. Every time you ask him to pick up a Yule log - he heads straight to the bathroom.
3, He’s a little too excited about sitting on Santa’s lap.
2(b). You want to have sex with elves guilt free this holiday season.
2. You find her tinsel on someone else’s tree.
1. To avoid the Inlaws.
Other possibilities:
- We live in Vancouver, yet, you’ve seen 2 snow angels climb out of his bedroom window.
- Rudolph the pool boy has been hanging around a bit too much and you don’t have a pool.
- Your significant other has moved away without giving you a forwarding address.
- Your boyfriend is British and is a little too excited about stuffing the ’bird.’
5 gifts that may be a sign your relationship is over.
- Luggage.
- A Membership to a Singles Club.
- Condoms.
- A restraining order.
- A toaster.
Book & Contact Information
- To purchase a copy of Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories visit: www.seedenterprises.com where you will find links to booksellers.
- Go to Duthie books at 2239 West 4th, if it is not in stock they will be happy to order it in for you.
- Simply ask your favorite book store to order in a copy for you.
Columns/Writing
- I appear in 24 Hours Vancouver on a regular basis. Page 5.
- I write a weekly column for Been-dumped.com in London England. http://www.been-dumped.com/relationship_author.php
- I write Ask Seed a relationship and life forum. Come have all of your relationship and life questions answered with brutal honesty and perhaps a touch of humor.
- To see questions and answers and to ask your own, visit: www.seedenterprises.com and follow the links or on the Been-dumped website.
- My second book: “Poutine” is complete and ready to go to the publisher.
Miscellaneous
- T-shirts, shorts, hats, panties, artwork, bags…… are available by visiting the Boutique on the website. Funky stuff.
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