spin doctor

spin doctor

Breathe, Lindsay, breathe… in, out, in, out…

Okay, that’s better… is it really? Am I on the verge of another stint of faking it!?!

You may have just red, I mean read: ending… if you haven’t, I kindly ask you to take the time to do so now.

I didn’t edit the first version of the consumption of the above word because it stands for understanding, and life at the same time… it also, when it flows externally, stains the earth, bringing death and completion, until it clots, hardens and it’s washed away. Replaced eventually by the pain of another participant in the life experiment. Both versions share similar traits if you look close enough --- vital to tomorrow and tomorrow and every tomorrow after that.

Anyway, I’d really appreciate it if you read ending now. It’s part of the letting you, whomever you may be, in. Thank you!

Spin doctor: this chapter, segment, post, diatribe, personal rambling, and search for understanding is the aftermath of another shattering experience. It is also an experiment, you see, I’m clocking this inclusion… fifteen minutes max, starting with a big red GO. Fifteen minutes to spin the heartache of ending into something positive. Complete with one picture that to me shares beauty, and has its eyes on the future. Maybe you’ll see it, too.

Anyway:

GO

It’s 6:52 now and I’m going to blast this off in the next fifteen minutes and try to find some silver lining in the remnants of heartache.

Why am I doing this? Why am I sharing this with you? Letting you in? Leaving myself open to judgment, while at the same time leaving myself vulnerable?

I don’t know… I think it is part of the life process. A way for me to grow. A way to share with you hurt and pain… and, in the end of it all, maybe letting you in to show you that I will survive and I will eventually be alright. Maybe I’m lying. Maybe I’m just kidding myself and I’m just the greatest con artist of all time and my mark, is me.

After reading the first portion of this wordiness, you may think I’m lost and not capable of sensible thoughts. Maybe I’m not. Last Sunday, Saturday when you really think about it, my life bombarded me with emotion. Saturday, I went out and for a lack of a better term, got wrecked. Messed up… Sunday, in my state of toxic destruction… everything from the last four years of family shit took me out and placed me on this perilous ledge where I thought I was going to die. I truly believed my heart was about to stop... seriously! I think for a brief moment --- it may have.

Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to take my own life, or do I want to… I had just overindulged in escaping and left myself precariously close to destruction. I let everything that society, well, that mostly I, was suppressing, and placed it on my shoulders --- letting it crush me and bring me down. I’d been experimenting with positive thought for the last several weeks ---- nothing negative was allowed in, “I’m an amazing man, who’ll have a positive impact on the world and I will live a life filled with love, health, happiness and prosperity,” played on one continuous loop.

I even faked happiness by continuing to be my bizarre wacky self. Must entertain others, keep the mood light ---- it’s who I am. Doesn’t matter that I said hello and goodbye to my father in the same month.

And unbelievably, even when I try to keep mine, and those around me, spirits from falling, I'm met with, "Michael told me you're full of useless information." Despite of his knowledge of the emotional plank my life is balancincg on. A sad example of another human trying to discount life and destroy personality... again, being marginal. I feel sorry for those who diminish others.

Just think: Elmer, in ending, wasn’t my father, and he wanted to be. How brilliant is that!?!

Perhaps that is all that I need... to know I've impacted another, as he did me, to the point where without confirmation of red (blood ties), he'd be honored to assume the role! Now the challenge: convincing myself I'm worthy.

You may think sharing is self-indulgent and the purpose of web journals? A way for families to stay in touch, share pictures of the lake, of happiness, of trying to sell good times?

Sure, I guess that’s part of it… is that really life, or just the selling of good times? The selling of a fantasy?

For me sharing is about letting others in. It is about being vulnerable… we don’t learn from each other in the good times. They’re too easy. In a sense: substance less.

To me: we grow when we are served up difficulty. When we want to turn and run away. If we run… we shrivel up and become marginal and lifeless. If we allow the pain in with all of it’s associated hope, dark thoughts, and the struggle to survive and assign meaning… we’ll grow. Our lives will be enriched and we’ll become beacons of hope for all others searching for love and understanding.

To me: if we hide behind heartache… sure, others will smile with you, however, when you truly need them… they’ll likely vanish into thin air. Tough times define friendship and love. I’m loved. Without pain… I’d never know for sure.

I’ve got seven minutes left, six… it’s time to spin. To find the positive from four, forty-seven years of lies. Well, where do I begin without sounding too egotistical?

Fuck that! I need my your support, if you know me, you’ve seen my humbleness, and you’ll understand that I need to be lifted from the hurt. If you try to quash me: fuck you!

Okay, spin: I am an amazing guy… I’ve faced a plethora of bizarre challenges and although at times they get the best of me, I find a way to rise up and move on. Maybe a little weighed down, but I can handle the weight for the most part.

I’m good to others… always. I make the odd mistake with that, however, I try, and I’m cognizant of my errors.

Two minutes left. I don’t blame. I love… unfortunately, I’m a bit afraid of being loved back. I want to make a difference. I’m passionate about life… I want those around me to be as well. Actually, everyone.

One minute. I share. Why is that important?

Winding it down. Cause, I’m a bit of a guinea pig. Life can be destructive, it can bring bitterness, it can defeat us and lead us down dark paths where getting up is nearly impossible. If it’s kicked me in the junk as many times as it has and I can rise… hey, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, and I can claw my way back up. So can you! Get up. Tomorrow is coming, along with whatever it may bring ---and every life is a fascinating story that needs to be embraced and cherished…

Just about out of time… love life, love others, if we do, regardless of what is brought our way, we’ll all be making our world a better place!

I may be broken, but I love… and I've even made love during one of my lowest points.

Making love is beuatiful, breath-taking, exilarating, messy, and if in its completion, when you're spent and covered in... a new begining.

Just remember if it ends with a towel, it's not true love!